Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Day 28 - Breath that Country Air!!!


I cant believe its day 28 already, doesn't time FLY!!
I am at Brenda's front gate in this photo, having just spent a lovely morning playing with blogs and chatting about all and sundry related to scrapbooking!! Had a lovely lunch too - yum!!
But today, as i was heading out to Brenda's I had one of those moments, so thought i would record that for future card reference. (After all, I do plan to card all these for my kids to learn a bit about their mother!) My son, who I am extremely proud of, managed to get himself a school based traineeship.
Now these arn't like the ones I did when i was young. Three months of cheap wages and then get the sack. This is a real fairdincum opportunity for him. After finishing year 12 he is guaranteed a full-time job with this company and after a couple of years if he decides to go to Uni (As he wants to do radiography) he can be transfered to the shop nearest the Uni he attends and straight into something worked around his uni hours. I mean at 16, what a life opportunity for him!!!
But the reason for the moment is that I thought how proud my Dad would have been of him. Dad always called Josh the mad scientist and always had high hopes of his achievements. This title came at the ripe old age of 2 when he was reading my pregnancy manual from cover to cover and knew it better than me. (Two year old reading of course - he loved the graphic pictures).
So for Josh to have this happen, my Dad would have been radiant with pride!! The really sad part is that because my Dad was such an arsehole, the kids could never bond with him. Stu and my dad just could not see eye to eye and when the kids were younger Dad would always see fit whenever he would visit or I would, that all visits would end in a screaming fight where i was told i was no good, or too high and mighty or my arse was too fat or any number of 1000 things my Dad hated about me. The kids saw that, and they knew no matter how young they were that Mum is always upset when Pops around.
Really, in the end it was Dad who suffered, as i have two of the most wonderful loving children and he missed out on that love because of his attitude. I know Dad loved the kids, but he still wouldn't go out of his comfort zone for them. They always had to be forced to make the first move for affection - which you just cant do with little kids. you have to show them you love them.
But sadly Dad died, not ever knowing my kids achievements in life. He died in 2001 after a long sickness due to his bad habits. Only the very last time I visited Dad before he died did we not have a huge fight!! He tried too, but i walked out and wouldn't let it happen. He knew he was dying, it shouldn't have been me to recognise that and try not to see eye to eye. Dad was the grown up and the DAD after all, he should have made the effort.
I know i wasn't the perfect daughter. I rebelled and tested him and pushed and pushed him for attention as i was growing up. Mum had to push me to make any effort for affection from him (As i later did with my own kids). It really is so sad that that was the life he chose for himself. He could have found so much more happiness had he have given a little more of himself. Let us know how he felt about us.
I lied to him on his deathbed (when we first thought he was dying) when i told him i loved him. I didn't. He didn't deserve my love. He never earn't it and in his actions showed he didn't want it.
The upside of all this is that my kids have the very best father you could imagine. We do everything as a family. Either the boys and the girls or all of us. We talk constantly, share kisses hugs and affection everyday. We both tell the kids how much we love them and how proud we are of them and they recipricate.
We are so lucky that the pattern for this hostile living didn't get carried on through this family. Through effort and love, we all have wonderful relationships with each other of which i am so very proud.
Ok, well that's today's story. This is what this challenge is about for me. Writing down these random moments of thoughts and memories to record and share with my kids when they are older. When i am dead and gone, how nice it will be for them to reflect on the feelings of their Mum.

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